Saturday, 3 December 2016

There Can Be Few More Obvious Warning Signs...

...than this sort of headline:


You know you're in for a chavtastic article!
The Hammers fan was carried in by eight loved ones, some of who wore football shirts with “Voycey” written across the back, to the tune of I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles.
Leading the service, Jay Belshaw described how mourners felt “robbed and angry” about the 23-year-old’s untimely death following a collision in Gidea Park earlier this month.
 Hmmmm....
He touched the lives of so many people,” he said. “To have so many people here to pay their respects is a wonderful tribute.
“We will find the world a poorer place without him.”
Well, he did indeed 'touch the lives' of many people. I somehow think they weren't all happy about this, though.  They may even believe the world was a poorer place with him in it...
Jay raised a laugh when he recalled how as a teenager Craig had started a new school only to be expelled after one day for punching the deputy headteacher.
 I...

I just...

Is that really appropriate at a funeral?

Or was he planning to use it at the stag do, should the 'cheeky chappie' ever get around to marrying the woman he knocked up, and didn't want it to go to waste?
He also described how the “cheeky chappy” had set fire to a van in order to get the attention of Danielle Eyles, who went on to become his fiancĂ©e and the mother of his children.
Oh, Christ, stop! My sides! It's like something from 'The Daily Mash'!
In a heartfelt speech written by Danielle and read by a family friend on her behalf, she described how many saw Craig as “a loveable rogue”, but noted that the man who came home to her at night “had a soft side” and emjoyed sharing sweets with Rocky-Lee, five, Craig Junior, two, and Summer-Rose, one, while watching TV.
The gap between Rocky-Lee and Craig Junior must have been while he was behind bars!

Given the 'celebrity' connection in this hit & run, I suspect the trial might prove even more interesting...

I Look Forward To You Raiding The Bank Of England, Then....

Pubs on Canvey have been given a stark warning that they could have their licences revoked after officers discovered cocaine in one establishment’s toilets.
Yes, clearly, it makes sense to punish the venue for what the customers do. After all, the police seem to have got away with blaming football clubs, so why not extend it to pubs?
Chief Insp Glen Westley, district commander for Castle Point, said: “We did some licensed premises checks with the council by carrying out drop-in inspections.
“When we found cocaine in the toilets, we gave them an action plan to improve.
To improve what, exactly, the cleaning rota?
“This is the beginning of a process with our licence holders to hold them to account.
They aren't breaking the law. Their customers are. Why don't you hold them to account, instead?
“Obviously it is a criminal offence to have cocaine and we don’t know whose it was because it could have been there for weeks, but we want to make sure the licence holders do something about it if they are suspicious.
That word 'if' is doing a lot of work there. Maybe they aren't suspicious. Maybe these traces are so small they can't even be detected unless it's with your equipment!

Something publicans shouldn't be expected to fork out for...
“If it happens again, there are laws to get licences removed. I am not saying this will happen but it is something we can consider.
“We are hot on their toes.
So you can't catch the real criminals, but you'll make life unpleasant for those who you claim facilitate it?

Well...

Friday, 2 December 2016

Cutting His Legs Off Is Probably Cutting The Crime Rate, Too...

Barnes, who has since lost his right leg, said he believed his diabetes was aggravated during his time working at Bolton Golf Club.
Ummm, how, exactly? Did they make all of the flags out of sugar, and force him to take them out with his teeth?
Barnes has 38 previous convictions, 113 offences — most of which occurred from the mid 1990s to the late 2000s, with 68 being theft related.
Ah, right.

To What End..?

The family of a man who died after falling into the Leeds and Liverpool Canal have called for increased surveillance in the area.
Would it have helped in this case?
David Rhodes, 46, from Blackburn, was found in the canal off Highfield Road in July this year.
Assistant Blackburn, Hyndburn and Ribble Valley coroner Elaine Block concluded that the cause of death was accidental, contributed to by the level of alcohol in his blood stream.
Ah.
A hearing at Blackburn was told that Mr Rhodes had been walking with crutches due to a hip operation.
/facepalm
His brother Johnny Heyworth, 36, said: “I cannot believe it.
“I just hope it doesn’t happen to anyone else, it has happened to far too many people.
“There’s no way he should have been allowed out of hospital.
“They need to put CCTV cameras up around there.”
Why? By the time the operators had raised the alarm, he'd have drowned anyway.

Thursday, 1 December 2016

Only If The CCTV Is Linked To A Sniper Rifle...

Shoppers are warned to be on their guard after reports of...
Shoplifters? Pickpockets? Too-early renditions of 'Walking In The Air' over the shop PA?
...town centre yobs hurling cans at strangers.
Groups of people have been spotted gathering in Town Square and St Martin’s Square, Basildon, to drink and cause a nuisance - despite the area being an alcohol free zone.
 Gosh! It's almost as if people like this are no respecters of laws, isn't it?
Phil Turner, leader of Basildon Council, said he has “100 per cent confidence” the authority will be able to put a stop to the nuisance behaviour by using CCTV.
Well, if you hook it up to a means of taking out the aforementioned nuisances, yes. Otherwise, it's just a way of giving some bored council employee something to do in between rounds of 'Solitaire', isn't it?

Don't You Even Read Your Own News..?

Saul Willsher, 45, needed 17 stitches following the brutal attack by two thugs armed with the walking aid in Elmer Approach, Southend.
Saul was resting on a bench with a friend after drinking in nearby East Coast Social when they were approached by the men, who launched their unprovoked attack.
Hmmmm.....
An Essex Police spokesman said: “Police are looking for witnesses following an incident in Southend where a man was attacked with a crutch.
“The victim, a man in his 40s, reported he had been sitting on a bench in Elmer Approach with a friend when they were approached by two men.
“The victim then got into an altercation with one of the men and was hit on the head with a crutch.
“He was taken to hospital to be treated for head injuries.
“The attacker was a black male, 18-19 years-old and wearing a light blue jacket.”
So, 'unprovoked' becomes 'after an altercation' in the same article!

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Post Title Of The Month

I wasn't entirely certain I shouldn't retire this award, after this month's sad news, but Tom Paine came up trumps, with this post for the future of politics:


Quote Of The Month

Tim Newman on the MSM's frothing over Trump's failure to take them on his first meeting with the incumbent:
"I can sympathise. Last time I believed that, as a blogger, I was entitled to join a multi-millionaire on his private plane I got told to fuck off as well."

Post Of The Month

Tim Worstall brutally eviscerates little Owen....

The Ages, They Are A'Changin'....

Following the attack, Det Ch Insp Gary Holmes made an appeal for witnesses to come forward.
He said: "I'd like to hear from any witnesses who saw or heard something that may help us catch the people responsible for attacking this police officer.
"At this stage we have established that the group of four youths had arrived in the area via the DLR, getting off at Bow Church Station.
“The group was made up of three males and one female. Did you see them leaving the station or in the surrounding area?"
 Shocking, terrible, youths today...
A man has been charged with the attempted murder of a police officer who was repeatedly stabbed in an alleyway outside a pub.
 Hang on! One's 'a man' now? What happened to 'youths'...?
Andrew Beadie, 20, of Claremont Road, Basildon and Janine Morris, 34 of Rainhill Way, Bow, were both charged on Sunday with attempted murder and two counts of affray.
34! Blimey! Tell me what face cream she uses, please....